Four Simple Things

I hear this question almost on a weekly basis “when did you know you were gay?” This is a good question… The answer is simple, I have always known I was gay.

I have always been a little different (when my family reads this I think they will laugh at me understating this fact). My aunt would always asked me “What is the color of the sky in your world?” I had an active imagination and loved playing on my own. I never really fit in with the neighborhood kids. I was teased in elementary school. My sixth grade year I was home schooled… My seventh grade year I had grown into my oversized ears and wasn’t so awkward. People stopped making me the butt of the jokes. I played every sport I could, and yet still just didn’t fit in. My difference was fundamental. It was in my very being. I am not afraid to be who I am now, but it wasn’t always so easy. I was terrified of what others would do if they found out my secret. When people “friends” would get to close I would shut them out. No one could know…. This paralyzing fear lasted until I was twenty-two and living on my own.

Trent grew up in a small town in Utah. His secret was maybe not so secret. His nickname growing up was “Tinkerbell” yep you read it correctly. Yet his fear paralyzed him as well. Trent is a very free person, he loves the moment, he loves who he is and hides from no one. So him having to disguise such a large part of himself was very destructive. He fell into a huge depression. Trying to conform to what he was “supposed” to be. As he came out to the world his happiness grew. Now he is the happiest person I have ever known. He will ,sometimes, just randomly start to cry because he can’t contain his happy emotions any longer.

I know there are families out there with sons or daughters that they think might be gay. I have a few words of advise to them;

First is, they either are or they are not. Nothing you are going to do is going to change that.

Second, Let them be themselves. I know parents want only happieness for their children. How can one be happy if they are not allowed to be who they are? How is it healthy to tell them that they are wrong because of who they are and not for something they have done. That damage is longlasting and devistatingly hard to overcome.

Third, accept them for who they are. As a parent you are tasked with a few fundimental responsibilities. One of which is to love and nurture your children. Love them without condition. Teach them values, hard work, and to never be ashamed of who they are.

Fourth, do not fear or grieve. Don’t feel that they have lost out on a good life. I promise you this is not the case. We are steaming ahead into an age where being gay doesn’t disqualify you from anything. We will be able to get married, have children, chase the carreers we choose. I know this is hard to understand. You will never know exactaly what they are going through, but if you trust, love, communicate, and believe everything will be ok.

I Like You A Little, A Lot

Trent and I are on our forth year of being together. We met, very unromantically, at a bar. We exchanged numbers and nothing happened for several weeks. after a random text we started dating and everything happened really quickly after that. We began spending everyday together. Our thing was to get a frozen pizza, a brownie mix and a movie. We came home from the store one day Trent sat on counter as I made the brownies and he looked at me (Trent has a look he gets when he is about to say something important) with his eyebrowns furrowed and said ” do you like me? because I like you a little, a lot.” I laughed… maybe I shouldn’t have but he looked so cute and clueless at that moment. The truth was I did like him very much. I told him i liked him a little, alot too… and thus our very elequant relationship began. How could i have known that he was the one i had been waiting for. he was the one that could and would make my life complete. We have been through thick and sometimes very thin… Health and sickness, poor and poorer, happy and devistatingly sad. We have met adversity standing side by side. He makes me the man I am meant to be. Four years has felt like a second and a million centuries at the same time.

I write this entry so that you may see how much this man means to me. I never thought it possible for one person to love another this much. If you are married or have ever loved someone you know the feeling I discribe. Does this man not deserve the title of husband, because what other title can explain what he means to me. It is far beyond boyfriend and when I say partner I feel like I’m introducing a business partner. No the only title that can truely encompass what he means to me is husband. It is not a desire to “deminish” or “defile” the meaning of marriage, it is to uphold and honor it. It is the desire to proclaim to the world that you are a family, and that your love is real, deep, and devoted.

Thank You!

Thank you to our amazing friends (Chris and Sarah) for getting us set up on this new site. This blog is a peek into our lives as we go through the experience of this amazing year. I am thankful to them for making it possible to reach a larger readership. This is the best way to magnify my small voice and hopefully, if enough people listen, we can make a difference.

Eyes Wide Open

I heard about racism and thought I understood it. I learned about the Civil Rights Movement in school. I felt bad when I heard the story of Rosa Parks and others like her. The thing is they were just stories to me, I didn’t (I couldn’t) understand. I am a white male living in Utah, in what way could I understand discrimination? I had always been a part of the majority. One day, shortly after Trent and I had met, we were walking up the street with a crowed of other people to enjoy the fourth of july fireworks at Sugarhouse park. Trent and I were walking side by side, not holding hand or giving off any sign of being gay when we hear someone yell from across the street “FAGOTS!” I look up to see a group of shabby looking people looking at us laughing. I was a bit of a hot head so I yelled back “Come over here and say that too my face!” The group instantly shut up and ran up the street. I had never in my life experienced something like that. These people who didn’t know so much as my name hated me. We went up and watched the fireworks for a minute with little interest. As we were walking back to the car we passed a group of young black guys, one of them looked up at us, smiled, and said “what’s up bro?” not an ounce of judgement in his voice even though we were holding hands. In that instant I think I finally understood (in some small measure) what real prejudice felt like. I knew what it was like to be judged or hated for something you have no control over, such as the color of your skin or who you are attracted too. Until you have that moment of understanding you can never know the full and absolute tragedy of discrimination. I don’t wish this kind of experience, or any of the many others we have experienced since, on anyone.

I encourage you to truly walk in someone else’s shoes today. Someone you have previously judged or disliked. I do this exercise daily to keep my emotions and point of view in check. This is also a good time of year to put yourself out of your comfort zone and serve someone, even if that service is just a smile and a kind word. I try to live my life in such a way that the world is a better place for having me in it today. Never make anyone feel less then they are, never build yourself up by tearing others down, and never assume you know what someone else is going through or feeling. By doing these small things we can change the world and make it a better place.

Beginning the Journey

My journey.

There was a day not long ago when I was woken up by odd noises coming from the other room. I looked and saw Trent wasn’t beside me. I got up and walked into the living room. I looked through the darkness and saw a curled up figure on the couch. I walked over and put my arm around trent. He looked up at me with all the pain in the world in his eyes and said “I just can’t do this anymore.” Gay marriage had just been overturned again in California. I understood his feelings. It is hard going through life as a novelty or a subject of judgement. At times the inequality of live seems too overwhelming, a fight that is too big. At times you can lose faith in the human race, and their ability to embrace you. I sat on the couch holding trent as the tears flowed from our eyes.

The hard days come and go, but most days we are the perfectly normal family. We go to work, and school, we pay our bills (and stress about our bills) and take one day at a time. The only time we feel different at all is when someone points it out. It is the beginning of one of those very normal weeks when I heard the Supreme court would be hearing the case against prop. 8, and DOMA. I feel such a fire of hope that i cant keep in inside any longer, I must write about it.

This year for the Gay Community is one of excitement, hope, and change. This blog will chart the upcoming months and our emotions as a gay couple waiting for the right to marry .