A terrible secret, and my biggest fear.

I am telling this story, not because I want to, but because I feel responsible to tell it. This story narrates one of the darkest times in my life.

I was going to school at UVU in Orem Utah, and was feeling overwhelmed with life in general. I had met this guy on-line. He was so nice, sweet, respectful and kind. We would talk online almost every day. I was working nights at the time. He would call me to help pass the time, and we would talk for hours and hours. I was still in the “closet” and dealing with all the drama that came with it. He was the only person that I could be real with. The calls became more and more frequent. I would wake up in the morning everyday to a text. Something to make me smile. He was the light brightening my life. I don’t think he knew what he meant to me. He kept wanting to go out (in public) on a date, I wasn’t comfortable with that, being so new to everything I wanted to take things very slow. He would ask, and I would laugh and say “ask me again in a few days.” I was afraid someone would find me out. That someone would see us if we went out. He was headed out of town for the weekend to see his family, he said he wanted to go out before he left. I had a big weekend at work told him we would go when he got home. We set the date for the day he got back.  The weekend went slowly, we talked a few times. I woke up to corny and sweet texts everyday before work. Then it was finally the last night of him being away, and my work laden weekend.  He was supposed to drive home early so he could get some work done before out date. We talked late into the night about everything. We laughed and did a little crying too, his was the best shoulder to cry on… I told him he needed to go to bed. He finally gave in. As we ended our conversation he said I love you… I couldn’t say it back. I said I will see you in a few hours, drive safe. I went home and went to bed. I woke up late in the afternoon, I picked up my phone ready to read his text that he was safely home… There was nothing. I texted him “How was your drive home?” Then got up and went to the gym… I got done and there was no response, so I called, no answer. TIme went on, I started to worry. We were scheduled to have our date that night. Where was he? I called again, and texted a few more times. Nothing. I felt sick to my stomoch. Hours ticked by slowly, darkness fell and finally my phone went off… It wasn’t a number I recognized. It said “I don’t know who you are, but you must be very special to my brother… you should know he was in an accident. Fell asleep at the wheel on his way back to SLC. He is in surgery for a brain injury. Please pray for him.” I was standing in the middle of my apartment, my neese when weak, and tears started to flow. I couldn’t cope with this. I tried calling the number, no answer. I never let him tell anyone about me, and his family did not approve of his choices. They didn’t know who I was. Time went on, I got another message “Things aren’t going so well, pray.” That was it… I sat there on the floor hoping and praying… My roommate told me to call my parents, I was so numb that I did. I told my mom that a friend had gotten in an accident, and asked her if she could come and get me. No more news, she came and picked me up… I was in shock, I didn’t speak the whole way back home. Just cried.

My mom sat next to me on the couch and asked “Was he more then a friend?” I hadn’t told my family yet about me. I looked at her and said “mom, I think I loved him.” The weight of what I said settled on her shoulders. I saw in her face that she understood. We went to bed without much else being said. No more news about him came through. I got up and left the house, driving around trying to not think the worst. I came home to an empty house. There was a note on the floor just inside the front door. My mom wrote that she needed time to digest this news, and she couldn’t see me for awhile. (Just for the record, my parents have been very supportive of me. The best of families take time to adjust.)  I got a text “surgery is over. brain bleed, might not make it through the day.” That was it… the last message… I know he passed away. He would have contacted me if he could. I never did find out the truth though.

This affected me so badly.  I blamed myself. I kept him up late, he was coming home to see me. The worst part was there was no closure. Just a line of unanswered questions. I learned so much, I learned to never hide again. The cost is just too high. Be honest with others. Don’t be afraid. I also am not afraid to say “I love you.” I make a point of it… Because you never know if you will have that chance to say it again.

Time passes and life goes on. I met Trent, the most wonderful, happiest person I know. We fell in love. We have made a wonderful family together. I tell him every day that I love him, I have never loved anyone sooo much in my life. I worry about him too, I worry about loosing him. I look at him every morning, and think to myself “I am so lucky to have another day with him.” I fear that one day he will be taken away from me… that I might loose him. I worry that I won’t be able to see him if something were to happen. I worry that because we are not married, and I technically have to right or say, that I will be shut out. Left again with no closure. These are the things I lay awake at night thinking.

I know these worries are “silly” I know Trent’s family very well and love them very much. However, this was the damage that was done. This is the refining fire that I had to pass through, I have come out stronger, braver, and yes a little damaged.

I feel it is time to put this nightmare to bed. I am ready to legally marry the man I love. To have that piece of mind that comes with that little piece of paper. This license assurance that yes, you are a family.  If something were to ever happen to me or to him, I want to know that we will be side by side. We know married couples that are celebrating their anniversaries that have been together less time then Trent and I. When is it going to be our turn, when will we qualify to bind ourselves together in marriage? The call has been made, EQUALITY, please answer that call.

and if you ever doubt where you stand on the matter, just put yourself in my shoes…